If you LOVE someone set them FREE...

I'll be the first to admit that Cottage 12, my shared house with Lisa and Ezra, is not always clean. In fact sometimes its down right dirty; dishes pilled up, a table covered with papers, Torah learning’s, left out food, and supplies to home brew beer, a floor un-mopped let alone swept, clothes strewn about, water bottles, camel backs, books, DVDs, the beginnings of hand-made baskets, a bow-drill fire set, and of course ants crawling everywhere.

It's not that we want to live this way. It’s that with such a small place and the three of us always busy, it’s hard to find time to clean. So Lisa came up with a plan: the chore wheel. Which as it turns out was also hard for us to follow. To the point where one day Lisa in dramatic affect tore down the chore wheel. And I thought ok, but how are we going to make sure Viga is fed?

Whose Viga you might ask? The inspiration, along with the ants for the title of my yet to be book: "Eating with Ants and Lizards: The Sheva Fellow's Bible To Survival." Yeah, that's right Viga is our beloved pet bearded dragon given to us by Alicia, a former staff member at BBI. Alicia and her husband were moving and they thought what could be a better home for Viga then Cottage 12...actually they heard through the grapevine that we are planning to make a reptile center where participants can come and explore the world of reptiles and where reptile pets can have the best a pet can have...so they figured until the center gets created the Sheva fellows can lovingly take care of Viga...

That said I find the whole notion of pets very difficult. Lisa and Ezra upon Viga's arrival seemed very excited. Lisa did research about bearded dragons and Ezra started hand feeding her. I have to say I did love Viga from the beginning, but I also had this urging desire to set her free. I'll be honest; I don't understand people's desire to have pets. Why on earth would you want to keep an animal in captivity? Animals are meant to roam free and be wild, just like people are meant to be free. I don't want control over anyone nor do I want control over any animal.

I do realize that people love their pets and pets love their people, but there is something really odd about forcing an animal to stay in a cage for its whole life or forcing a dog or cat to stay in doors. Can you imagine if someone stuck you in a room and wouldn't let you leave and that was your whole existence. Sure, this person would come and feed you great food, and give you massages, and play catch with you, and maybe if your lucky they'd take you outside (but you'd have to be on a leash)...I think it would suck! Sure the warmth of a home and easy food might be comforting, but every creature wants to know what's out there. Every creature wants to be able to make their own choices and decisions. I don't want anyone to tell me how to live and I don't want anyone to force me to stay in a certain area or restrict me from going someplace. I want and long for the freedom of movement. It is really important that I know I have the ability and right to exist in this world as a free and wild creature. And that all people, animals, and plants, have that same right: to be what they are without someone controlling them and forcing them to live in a cage.


The world is big. Animals are smart, why should they be cooped up all day. So we can feel comfort from them? So we can feel a sense of control in our lives? So we can feel like someone loves us? So we can feel responsible and like a care giver? So we can have something to talk about when friends come over? So if we are socially awkward we can hide that by focusing on our animal? Is this why we have pets?

Do we some how feel more powerful when we have a pet? Do we subconsciously feel greater? Maybe even consciously. Why is it that we desire to keep animals? No other species keeps another species as a pet. It’s not like you see chimpanzees controlling mice and putting them in cages for their amusement. It’s not like horses adopt cats and play yarn games with them. Let’s face it; all animals can survive without us. Our dogs don't need us, neither do our cats or our lizards or our mice or any other crazy pet we might have. All these animals know how to survive on their own, as do we. Sometimes it might be hard, food might be scarce, it might get cold, another animal might attack them, but they know how to survive. And anyway it’s better to have lived free and experienced then to die in captivity never having known. Just like its better to love and be loved and to get hurt then to never have loved at all. Look, it can get hard for us humans too, sometimes food is scarce, it might get cold, another animal/person might hurt us, but we know how to survive. And anyway it’s better to have lived free and experienced then to die under someone else's control never having known.

I think people worry about their pet’s ability to survive. And I think the reason we worry is because we secretly realize that by domesticating animals we are making them stupider. For example, the dog is really a run down wolf. Would you be worried about a wolf's ability to survive? So why are you worried about your dog’s ability to survive?

As you can imagine everyone told me that releasing Viga into the wild was not a possibility. People told me she'd never survive...people were worried about the weather, her food supply, and that she might get eaten by coyote. And yes it’s true, this is not Australia were most bearded dragons are found, but we do have plenty of sun and crickets. So yes, I secretly and openly had this desire to release Viga into the wild from the moment she arrived at our house. Who knows maybe this desire comes from my mother, who the minute she saw Viga said "Can't you release her into the wild, you live in a desert. She'd be so much happier." And maybe it’s bigger than these words. My mom and dad managed to raise me with unconditional love and also a fierce sense of independence. So I greatly value self reliance, independence, freedom, and ensuring that all those around me are also free, because I believe no one is really free unless we are all free.

Along with valuing freedom, I also value my roommates, responsibility, and group process. So when everyone told me releasing Viga was not acceptable I decided that I would put aside that idea and try to understand what it means to have a pet. And in the process I became closer and closer with Viga. I fed her, cleaned her cage, took her out to play, and became quite found of seeing her all the time. As time went on I came up with the idea of taking her on play dates outside. Together we would explore outside, right near Cottage 12. We'd move around and usually Viga would find a spot she liked to chill for awhile. She loved being outside. And it was always funny to see people walk past and not know that she was our pet. They'd think she lived out here like the other lizards. So then when I'd pick her up people would be stunned. Viga seemed to really enjoy being outside. And of course I always stuck with her to make sure she wouldn't run away.

And then one day, it happened. We went out to play. She had her time in the sun and I picked her up to return her to her cage. As I was walking back into the house, a van came down the road. Viga has never heard or seen a van before, all the noise scared her and bam she jumped out of my arms and took off. I think she also knew it was her chance to avoid being forced back into her small glass cage. I've seen Viga scrap up against her cage and attempt to climb out. I think in this moment she thought now's my chance, the great escape! And escape she did... right under a cactus bush...

And I went after her. I admit if she was my bearded dragon alone I wouldn't spend so much effort and time trying to get her back. But I thought about responsibility to Ezra, Lisa, and Alicia. I thought about how much they feel connected to Viga. I don't feel like I own Viga, I never have. I feel like when she jumped out of my arms she was making her choice. She saw me trying to get her out from under the cacti. I literally went into the bush after her, getting pricked the whole way. And she saw me and felt my body heat and kept on moving up and away from me. She made her choice, she decided. She clearly did not want to come back with me, back into her glass cage. And I did my very best to get her. I suffered through the cacti pricks and then removing them with a tweezer from all parts of my body and staying up all night trying to find her. I took her favorite log from the cage and put food on it. I left it in a strategic place for her. I left for an hour and when I came back both the food and the log were gone. Either Viga took it and has made a new home for herself out here in the cactus garden roaming free or some other animal got it. Either way Viga remains at large, here on this amazing 3,000 acres of desert.

I know she is still alive. I have total faith in her ability to catch food and survive. I know she is smart and I believe she is excited to be free. To live her life how she wants. I think, in the future, I might even see her from time to time, and to be honest if I do I'm going to let her continue to be free. It is ironic, because I wasn't trying to release her into the wild. I have thought about it and if I was going to do it, it would have been in a totally different location and the intention would have been there. She made this choice, not me. I was legitimately bringing her back and in my head I was thinking ok, time to go back into the cage, clearly she was thinking otherwise.

So yes its bitter sweet. I look at her empty cage now and I do miss her. I called Alicia and told her and she understood and said what better environment then BBI. And its true, BBI is the most freeing place I have ever lived. I remember first coming here when I was 20 and finding a community that was open, loving, and accepting. This is a place to learn and grow and explore all aspects of yourself. I feel free here, to be me. To be me in good times and bad times. To experience, to test myself, to step out of my comfort zone, and to shine. This is a place to step out of the box and to free your mind, as Viga has stepped out of her cage.

If you love something set it free and it will come back to you. Maybe Viga will come back one day and maybe she won't. In many ways the lessons I have learned from her, is the symbolism of her coming back. I want to live in a world where people don't think of animals or other people as possessions. I want to live in a world where people are setting each other free because we love each other.

I think the timing of Viga escaping is serendipitous. She chose to leave as Renew Wedding Weekend was beginning. This is a time for people married between 2 to 5 years or people who have been to a newly-wed weekend to come together at BBI to continue to strengthen their connection to each other and Judaism. She also chose to escape as I contemplate my own relationships. I think the strongest relationships are the ones built on trust, the ones where you can look your partner in the eye and tell them you love them and that they are completely free to explore, live, learn, dance, be. And that you would like to journey with them but not suffocate them. I want relationships in which there is mutual nourishment and in which I am always letting the other person know that they are free and I am free. So if my partner wants to take a solo journey without me, I support them in that. If my lover wants to spend time with her friends without me, I support her in that. If my best friend wants to explore a new connection with her lover, I support her in that. If my loved ones want to pursue their dreams, career, art, passion I support them in that. I believe love is expansive and that the more the ones I love share with others the more I grow and then there is even more love. I think love is infinite and there is enough love for all of us in this world. I think if I love someone and they love someone, then that love will keep growing, getting bigger and bigger, like the smallest spark creating the largest fire. As the seeds in my garden are watered with love they grow more and more. Unlike how trees compete for sunlight and water, I believe there is no need to compete for love. There is no need to feel threatened by those your loved one loves. The more you love someone and the more they love others the more you are loved. It’s exponential. It grows and grows and grows....



To me freedom is opening my heart. It is also letting my heart heal from past wounds and fears and realizing that my wounds are the doorway to my gifts. Freedom is moving past fear. Freedom is the ability to express myself. I plan to keep on loving big, loving people, trees, plants, animals, BBI, this earth, and loving tremendously. I think the more I love the more love there is. Its bigger then this. Being free is also having no desire to shape or mold someone other than myself. Today I had this great conversation with one of the founders of Project Triumph. Just when I was getting frustrated, I realized that through expression and open communication there is always hope. I shared the idea that when I am a ropes course facilitator I am not looking for an answer. When I pose questions during dialogue I do not look for a specific response. This is not- what is one plus one; this is hearing people’s expressions and feelings and accepting whatever they choose to share. And I realize for me, this is how I live. It is not just how I run a ropes course or dialogue. I don't want people to tell me things because they think that's what I want to hear. For example in a relationship, I don't want apologies because people think that's what I want, I don't want to hear I love you and miss you because that's what people think I want to hear, I want people to bring their truth and be themselves and I will accept them.

I am pushing past fear to express my true self and I hope others are stepping up to do the same. I want to hear people's voices for what it is they want to say. I hold no expectations. If people want to say I love you, miss you, sorry, and so on because that's what’s in their heart then great, but don't say it just because you think that's what someone else wants. This can be true for all things. Do what’s in your heart, not what others are demanding of you. For example, recently my friend from high school got back in touch with me. She graduated high school with honors and went to a four year university. She is currently a make-up artist and about to move across the country to live with her partner. She told me she was afraid and worried about becoming a make-up artist because she was worried people would judge her. She grew up with her folks telling her to be a teacher and people all around her pushing her in different directions. Instead, she chose to do what is true for her and she is happy. She was also worried about what people would say about her moving across the country to be with partner. Would people judge her, say she is giving up her independence, would they look down on her for leaving her job to make the move. The point is, it doesn't matter. She is doing what is best for her and sometimes people accept you and sometimes people don't. I want to empower people to make their own choices based on their heart and passion as opposed to societal pressures. I want to empower myself to love and accept me and all those around me.

I used to think do onto others as you would want done to you and now I think do onto others as they want done to them. I want people to succeed by their own terms. I am not here to tell anyone what success is. Just like when I lead a ropes course the group defines success, I think people should define for themselves what is success. I like the idea of asking someone how they want to be treated. We all want different things and part of being free is honoring that and figuring out a way for everyone to feel heard, appreciated, and loved. I know this is possible.

As Viga roams free, exploring her new world, my heart opens and I explore my new world, every day I learn something new here from seedlings to watering to listening to driving the truck to horses to hawks to sunsets and moon risings to becoming a stronger community to opening my soul and welcoming in others. This world, this love, this freedom is expansive as is this desert...Viga's new home.


And besides with the chore wheel down, its probably better that she's catching her own food.