Lisa's Words of Wisdom

We all make mistakes in life. Often, mistakes can be corrected - but there is one mistake that is not easily fixable and can have severe consequences. This mistake is using our words unwisely. These words can take the form of gossip, lashon ha’rah, anger, or what I want to focus on today – criticism.
Right now I am participating in a 5 month fellowship; living, working, eating, and spending time with only two other participants in the program. Obviously, living and working in such closeness has created some conflict. I want to share with you today some inspiring things I have learned from the book Words that Hurt, Words that Heal by Telushkin about how to criticize and how to accept rebuke. I have found Telushkin’s advice to be wise and helpful in my own situation, and I hope that his words will help others on their own journeys.
I want to first point out that although it is difficult to give criticism, it is necessary to express frustration in close relationships. This idea is important because it is included in our 613 mitzvot as, “Reprove your kinsman, but incur no guilt because of him” (Leviticus 19:17). This can be seen as even though one is obligated to criticize someone when they have wronged, it is a sin to criticize them in a mean manner. This also implies that your motives for reproving someone should be genuine. If you want to point out someone’s faults because it will secretly make you feel better, then it is wrong to criticize. In addition, it is wrong to attack something about a person if it is not related to the instance at hand. For example, telling your roommate, “I don’t like the way you leave dirty dishes around – plus you are always so selfish” will probably just leave your roommate feeling hurt and defensive.
A great way to approach someone is to tell him/her that you also struggle with the same or similar faults that you are criticizing. Explaining how you make efforts to change these things may inspire the person you are criticizing, and putting yourself on their level should keep you from appearing arrogant.
On the flip side – listening with an open mind and heart to others’ criticism of yourself is crucial. Many times when people are criticized they immediately want to fight back, and end up saying hurtful words. It is important to control the urge to fight back with criticisms because if what the “person says about you is true, the fact that he himself has numerous flaws is irrelevant” (Words that Hurt, Words that Heal).
Try and ask yourself is there is truth to what the other person is saying. If there is truth in his/her words, then try and see how you can use this information to improve yourself. Take this opportunity to make yourself a better person, because each day we have the power to change ourselves. Remember that every time we speak we get to choose our words – they can be hurtful, or they can be inspiring. My hope is that we can learn to give criticism with love, and accept it with an open heart and the will to change.